See this here? This is what's happening. I'm recording again. #2.
It's been two years since #1. I've gone through a life lobotomy since then: Endings, beginnings, complications. If I were to title this record thematically, it would be something like, "Chucking It." Or: "Oh Dear."
On that note: There will absolutely not be a book. God, no.
The timing for this record--as is the timing with everything significant that has ever happened--makes terrible sense. I'm still picking through the life I upturned over a year ago. I have a 4-year-old, a custody schedule, a full-time job, gigs, a body that needs exercise, and a desire to spend time with people I care about.
I almost added "...and I want to have a life," but this is my life. I'm not dead yet, and this is what I have. I don't understand it when people say, "I need to have a life." You have one! It's right here! You're doing it exactly at this moment! Like magic!
What my life lacks is time.
Also, I'm not sleeping on a bed of money. It's just a regular bed.
But the timing is perfect, because it's the only time. For one thing, the songs: I genuinely like them. I want to record them before I go senile and lose them in the swirling vat of an aging mind. I want you to hear them, and I want you to connect with them. Otherwise, I'm not sure what the point was in writing them in the first place. To sing my ego to sleep at night?
This album feels like mine--really for realz mine. I’m not relying on favors or someone else’s budget. It’s my investment. My budget. My timeline. My priorities. My network. Mine. It's easier to ask for what I want (a chronic problem), and I feel less need to apologize all the time. Important.
I apologize too much — for messing up, wasting time, asking for more or different, for not liking something, for liking something, taking up space, not taking enough space, for speaking up and not speaking up, for being myself, for being unprepared, for standing or breathing in a way that might inconvenience another soul on the planet. Jesus, P. Enough with the I’m Sorry’s. Be kind and do your best: Life motto.
The timing is also perfect in that the voices in my head are kinder, for the most part. I’m more comfortable, more confident. (To be clear: I am still my favorite joke. I don't foresee that changing.) I won’t use the word ambition, because frankly, I find that a destructive force of ego. But I will say I want to do better than I did before.
Recording two years ago the voice in my head said: “HOLY SHIT! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS! BE DONE! BE DONE! BE DONE!”
This time—at least so far—the voice in my head says: “You're fine. Slow down. Get it right." And also, "…Holy shit.”